call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
