i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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