He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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