her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
