we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
