Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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