I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
