she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize