Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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