btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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