why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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