it wasn't lemon gatorade
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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