Swine flu is the new snow day.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
