On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
