It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
