i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
