i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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