oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
