I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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