guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
