hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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