His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
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