Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's just like the Real World with babies
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
