Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
