Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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