Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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