I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
