just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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