You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
