Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
