why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
