There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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