508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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