Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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