Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
