I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
