How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
