i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
