your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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