What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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