all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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