I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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