tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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