Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
