he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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