what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
