just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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