I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
