I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
