meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
