she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
