I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
