So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
