On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Say something about gay babies.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
