Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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