I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
