I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
