My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
