Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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