Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
