the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Holy sore nipples Batman
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize